Ducks and bears
Here and there
Close your eyes
Dream dream dream
Rippling silently to your heart

It's good while it lasted.


Whatever love you can get and give.
Whatever happiness you can provide.
Every temporary measure of grace.
Whatever works.

Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can
meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes,
is certain for those who are friends.

Sometimes I wonder, if I could see the shape of my heart, what would it look like? The physical heart that works every second of my life and the "heart" that feels and loves.

If live is measured by heart beat... this is how old I am
my heartbeat is about 80 beats/min
1 day has 1440 mins
1 year has 525600 mins
26 years have 13,665,600 mins, which is equal to approximately 1 billion heartbeats.

I don't know if it feels tired, because it never complains. It works tirelessly, sustaining life, giving this body another day, another shot at life.
However, I could feel it being suffocated at times. The heart wants to break free from a metaphorical cage. I've been trying every single day for the past 5 years to set it free from whatever that is binding it.

I'm not quite there yet. But it will, someday, soon.


Your heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, spilling over its banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, inundated and carried away by that rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Everytime you see a flood like that on the news you tell yourself: That's it. That's my heart.

i don't remember when was the last time i heard your voice. it must have been too long.
i don't know what brings you to call, but thank you. i need it.

i would like to think that when i feel so alone, there's someone in this world who is thinking of me. that no one is destined to be alone. that there will be someone to watch over me.
thanks to you, i think it might not just be a wishful thinking.

i'm so glad we're friends all this time. it's one of things i want to see through til i grow old and til my memory fails me.


a horse carousel
merry-go-round
mirrors mirrors on the wall
carnival tunes
people people all around

one day i'll come off mine
and i'll walk to you
to say 'hi'
for the rest of our lives.

ZZzzzzZZzzZZZ...

If only money is a non-issue in life, I would have left this dusty desk and this winter wonderland of an office right here, right now.

It's hard to say goodbye. I felt like the girl who fell from the swing seat. The hard thud, the feel of the wet earth on the knees, the dissipative swings before it completely comes to a halt.

My theatre of emotions has been a desolate place for some time. Suddenly a goodbye has to come like a disconcerting, inexplicable eruption backstage.

I know there's nothing wrong with farewell, of course. Hellos-goodbyes. They co-exist, a symbiotic partnership.
Goodbye involves the active effort to put what is "usual, status quo" into the keepsakes-box of memories. Hellos fill in the empty spaces, re-building that part of life that has been left behind. The pain is so real at beginning that perhaps only a temporal lobotomy will ease it. Thanks to the natural instinct of survival, the Self shall prevail. After all, the greatest devil is the one within the constraint of your mind and want.

The good times have been good. I doubt if I'll ever meet anyone with a mind so pure and simple, albeit annoying at times.
Life would not be the same anymore. So I shed a tear or two for the loss.

And as the dawn breaks, tears shall dry on their own.

The first time I heard this song was in 2000 when I went to National Day parade preview in Padang. It has been my favourite NDP song ever since, even when I couldn't say that I relate much to this song.
A beautiful song that evokes nostalgic moments. How different it is from the songs played in the national day celebration in my actual hometown; they are usually patriotic songs with marching beats or slower songs that marvel at the nature or folk songs whose lyrics I don't understand but remember anyway.

Happy Birthday, Singapore! Thanks for opening your door for me these 10 years!

play it, sam

i hate noises of chatter around me when i am on my own. i was on the lift on my way down after work today and the lift was unusually noisy. there was a couple speaking in some African language while the other chatter in Chinese, the newscaster on TV was reading some stock market predictions rapidly, the robotic voice announced each time the lift door opened. it was so disconcerting. the volume grew louder, the flurry of sentences assaulted my ears and i could feel the pounding in my head. i closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on other things. it didn't work.
i rushed out of the lift the moment the door opened on the first floor.

my colleague told me before that my ipod's volume's too loud. now i realize that's a form of adaptation, a survival skill. urban noises drive me nuts: rumble of the train, blazing horns, strangers, building constructions. birds don't sing the morning glory here, roosters don't crow (well... there's no rooster to start with). urban noise is the anthem of the morning, the humdrum that sucks the soul out, leaving an empty shell behind; a humpty dumpty parked in front of a smart machine, biding its time.

music is my remedy. i honestly don't think i can survive my days without it.

07.07.09

Gone Too Soon - performed by Usher in MJ's Memorial

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

at times i feel really ashamed at myself; at how short my temper is, at how shallow i could be at times, at how stupid i am to let myself into the whirlpool of self-pity and negativity.

i need to learn.

2 weeks ago i met a childhood best friend whom i've not seen in 13 years. it feels a little weird. she said i haven't changed. i wasn't so sure, so i asked if that's a good or a bad thing. she said it's a good thing. really? i was unconvinced but i let it lie.

i was glad that i could recognize her instantly. that's the only vivid memory i have of her. i couldn't remember how she sounded like. we went for dinner and a walk around the town. we exchanged some updates... it's not easy to sufficiently summarize 13 years in a span of few hours. it's a brief, succinct pointers of the landmarks in life, devoid of the details that only friends share. we talked about some old acquaintances, recounted some old memories. not long after she had to leave and catch her plane.

i didn't miss her but i'm happy to see her again. it's like finding a forgotten keepsake, something that you could well live without and unsure of how it's going to fit your present life.

friends, i learn, needs commitment to keep. if there's a long hiatus in the friendship, chances are you could not pick up where you left it, you have to start over. my guess is that the cutoff time is 5 years.

i'm reading 3 books at the moment and they all keep me hooked:
New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
After Dark - Haruki Murakami
Don't Stop Believing: How Karaoke Conquered the World and Changed My Life - Brian Raftery

one of the perks of singapore blue i/c is the lifetime membership to the national library. i read books that i wouldn't read otherwise. i take a long time to choose the book i'm going to buy. i amazon-ed it,
i took it from the shelf, put it back, went home, came back to the same store, and repeated these few times
before finally i decided to buy it.
but thanks to the library, i chanced on random books that i grew to like.

for the next few months, i'm going to spend a whole lot of my time commuting to work.
books and music are my only and most loyal companions. it's the little moments i could escape from this stagnant life; a moving space where i could switch from a vampire-in-love to Tokyo in the witching hours to a karaoke evangelist, all while listening to my own personal jukebox.

RIP Michael Jackson

Thank you for the music...
You are a true entertainer, a music icon.

Goodbye, MJ.

Whole Lotta Love!

You wouldn't believe the play count for this song in my ITunes.
TV has never been so exciting: A hot (maybe gay) rocker in tight leather pants, singing he'll give you every inch of his love! Hah!

Adamlicious! :->

What's Up

In view of the recent developments or the lack thereof, I think it's time to really think and most importantly ACT on my plan to mold my life into shape. To put it bluntly, I'm really just biding my time doing what I am doing now. It's bad enough to feel dissatisfied with life, it's worse to fall into the serene slumber of deception when really what is happening now is being fitted into the cradle of mediocrity.

I understand why sometimes I cried when I laid in bed at night. Words could not bring out the things in my head and tears seem to be the only media to express.

I have a crapload to do and I don't even know where to start.

Close encounters with old friends are a way to start. Hanging out with old friends is like looking through the rose-tinted glass of our past and superimposing our past dreams with the present, getting a dream/reality check. My trip to Down Under last week is redemptive and the times I spent with them are more than I could have asked for.

I feel energized, and life's good.
I have never been happier to be alive.

It's time to get hold of some good crayons and color this canvas of life.

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that big hill of hope
For a destination

currently my favourite time of the week

is wednesday, 10pm. american idol, awesome adam lambert.
every performances that he did is now on regular repeat in my Ipod. even the most bizarre performance that is his cover of "Ring of Fire". his vocal superiority, compelling stage presence, and his attractive androgyny easily makes him the most interesting contestant to grace american idol ever.

i think the first time i noticed him was in his profile page in american idol website. there was a list of questions which the top 13 contestants have to answer. one of the question is "what's your proudest moment?"
his answer is "falling in love."

that threw me off the loop.

there's a youtube video of him singing "i can't make you love me" in a restaurant on new year's eve, accompanied only by the piano.
it's so, so beautiful that it made me tear up.
there's probably more emotions in his 5-minute performance than in my life for the past one year or so.
i want to love someone that much. one day, hopefully.

i can't wait for his next performance. be it a high-octane thrilling performance, or a stripped-down, heartfelt performance, i know he'll bring the best to the table.

I'd sometimes wonder what kind of life this was. Which is not to say that I found it empty. I was - very simply - amazed. At the lack of demarcation between the days. At the fact that I was part of such a life, a life that had swallowed me up so completely. At the fact that my footprints were being blown away before I even had a chance to turn and look at them.

Sleep, The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami


One afternoon after lunch at work, I suddenly thought about a poem I heard long time ago in the language lab in my junior high school. Karawang-Bekasi, karya Chairil Anwar. I remembered the voice in the recording, I recalled the background music that reverberated in the silence of the chilling poem.
It seems so long ago, but I hardly can recall other memories with such clarity.

One day as I was waiting for the lift to bring me down and out of the office, my colleague came along and asked, " How are you?" It was 18:45 and it was not the first time we chatted that day.

Knock knock
Day in
Walk walk
Work work
Wait wait
Day out

Bye bye.

*Repeat*

So long 2008, Welcome 2009

2008 New Year Resolution:
1. To be a better person - on the way there...
2. Get a job (to be specified soon) - Luckily I did.
3. Live healthier (exercise more, less junk food) - second half of the year is definitely healthier... eating more greens, cutting back on snacks, weekend coffee detox, kickboxing. But then... my alcohol intake has been hitting an all-time high. And not to mention the occasional ciggies.
4. Travel again (maybe to Beijing for Olympics 2008 :p ) - a short trip to Thailand with my bestie. A very memorable travel, and definitely one of the best I ever had. Not to forget the short trip to Malacca with colleagues.
5. Read more books and keep up with the news - I aced this one. Has been reading books and following the news everyday since graduation (July 2008).
6. Learn how to cook! - I tried, didn't do very well, but I guess I am able to feed myself when I want to.

I will remember how old friendships were rekindled in 2008... these people from the past who suddenly drop by in this city, and we met, and we talked, and it felt right... so right.

I will remember the day when Barack Obama was elected as the 44th president of USA. I have never felt so happy since Italy won the World Cup in 2006. His acceptance speech brought tears to my eyes; for once, I wish I were an American.

Moving on to 2009...
New Year Resolution:
1. I will learn again - be it language, be it CFA, anything really.
2. I will eat healthy and step up on the exercise regime.
3. I will keep in touch with friends and people I know. I will love more and resent less. I will spend quality time with people that I love. I will call home more often.
4. I will travel again with someone, somewhere.
5. I will find my dream job and build a career that lasts.
6. I will be more adventurous and not be afraid to try things.

And most of all, I want to be happy, as always :)

Cheers to a New Year and a new beginning!