Sometimes I wonder, if I could see the shape of my heart, what would it look like? The physical heart that works every second of my life and the "heart" that feels and loves.

If live is measured by heart beat... this is how old I am
my heartbeat is about 80 beats/min
1 day has 1440 mins
1 year has 525600 mins
26 years have 13,665,600 mins, which is equal to approximately 1 billion heartbeats.

I don't know if it feels tired, because it never complains. It works tirelessly, sustaining life, giving this body another day, another shot at life.
However, I could feel it being suffocated at times. The heart wants to break free from a metaphorical cage. I've been trying every single day for the past 5 years to set it free from whatever that is binding it.

I'm not quite there yet. But it will, someday, soon.


Your heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, spilling over its banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, inundated and carried away by that rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Everytime you see a flood like that on the news you tell yourself: That's it. That's my heart.

i don't remember when was the last time i heard your voice. it must have been too long.
i don't know what brings you to call, but thank you. i need it.

i would like to think that when i feel so alone, there's someone in this world who is thinking of me. that no one is destined to be alone. that there will be someone to watch over me.
thanks to you, i think it might not just be a wishful thinking.

i'm so glad we're friends all this time. it's one of things i want to see through til i grow old and til my memory fails me.


a horse carousel
merry-go-round
mirrors mirrors on the wall
carnival tunes
people people all around

one day i'll come off mine
and i'll walk to you
to say 'hi'
for the rest of our lives.

ZZzzzzZZzzZZZ...

If only money is a non-issue in life, I would have left this dusty desk and this winter wonderland of an office right here, right now.

It's hard to say goodbye. I felt like the girl who fell from the swing seat. The hard thud, the feel of the wet earth on the knees, the dissipative swings before it completely comes to a halt.

My theatre of emotions has been a desolate place for some time. Suddenly a goodbye has to come like a disconcerting, inexplicable eruption backstage.

I know there's nothing wrong with farewell, of course. Hellos-goodbyes. They co-exist, a symbiotic partnership.
Goodbye involves the active effort to put what is "usual, status quo" into the keepsakes-box of memories. Hellos fill in the empty spaces, re-building that part of life that has been left behind. The pain is so real at beginning that perhaps only a temporal lobotomy will ease it. Thanks to the natural instinct of survival, the Self shall prevail. After all, the greatest devil is the one within the constraint of your mind and want.

The good times have been good. I doubt if I'll ever meet anyone with a mind so pure and simple, albeit annoying at times.
Life would not be the same anymore. So I shed a tear or two for the loss.

And as the dawn breaks, tears shall dry on their own.

The first time I heard this song was in 2000 when I went to National Day parade preview in Padang. It has been my favourite NDP song ever since, even when I couldn't say that I relate much to this song.
A beautiful song that evokes nostalgic moments. How different it is from the songs played in the national day celebration in my actual hometown; they are usually patriotic songs with marching beats or slower songs that marvel at the nature or folk songs whose lyrics I don't understand but remember anyway.

Happy Birthday, Singapore! Thanks for opening your door for me these 10 years!