Once again, it is that time of the year.

This year, I am in Singapore. It is a rainy day, not the heavy rain coupled with lightning and thunder, but a quiet, lingering rain that reminds me of a lawn sprinkler steadfastly watering the green pasture.
I am thankful because this year is the best one yet, in every delightful way.

Counting my blessings, and be grateful
of the special people that love and care
of the others that have enriched this life, by just being there
of the memories that make life tastes so special and unforgettable
of the experiences, big or small, that make me the person I am today.

Perhaps God's line is always busy,
but surely, a birthday girl gets a special treatment yes?

please watch over me;
when I run too fast to get through the day,
please extend your leg to trip me;
when it's ugly down here on earth,
please send me blue skies and starry nights;
when I lose my way,
please send me an angel to guide me home.

I was stunned when I found this photograph in facebook. How nice it is to look at a long lost photograph taken 18 years ago. My memory has failed me, I cannot remember a single thing about my life back then. I cannot recognize my old friends from that era when we added each other in facebook. Nevertheless, the photograph never grows old. I see it as I remember it to be. A photograph can be kind, sparking a glimmer of light in a chapter of life that has been lost in time.

It was mid afternoon 1990. The sun was glaring, the kids couldn't keep their eyes open wide for the camera. It was their first year wearing that white-red uniform. Their teacher was a sweet, young lady (who is at that time, probably around my age now), Ibu Ratna. Their class was on the first floor of the school building, just beside the canteen. In fact, their class is the background in the photograph.

I wonder, where are they now? What kind of person have they become?
Long after our time has gone, I say a little prayer, for each and every single soul in the photograph, that they become the kind of people that those little kids wanted to be.

Borders beats Boredom

For the past few weeks, I've been having this habit of going to Orchard Road on friday evenings. I would have a nice dinner in Minang House, shop, and walk along the boulevards. The Christmas decoration was up, the lighted streets at night exuded a Christmas-like feel, the jazz quartet played in front of Tang's while the chanteuse sang lovely jazzy tunes. Sometimes I would sit on the bench, listening to the music, watching people's faces as they walked by. After having enough of shopping and strolling, I would finally park myself in Borders, the raison d'être why I went to Orchard Road in the first place.

November is a special month, Border's birthday month. I got emails from Borders mailers every week in this month, with 30% discount voucher. I need something to read everyday when I am commuting to work. I need something to read in weekends. I need something to read to learn new things. I need something to read to take me away from this impressively mundane life. Books are my best friend.

I like searching for books, combing shelfs by shelfs, waiting for the books to "call" me. Some books only get a cursory glance, some a lingering look, some a second glance, and the selected few get picked for the next selection phase. I would pick a few books that interested me, take them to an empty corner and start judging them by more than its cover. I imagined the weather was foul outside, rain or snow, and there I was sitting peacefully inside a bookshop, flipping pages of ideas and imaginations. A cat curling up by the side would be nice.

I would make my final selection, bring it to the counter, pay for it (at 30%-discounted price!), and not asking for a plastic bag, because being a green person, I would rather put the book in my bag, feel the weight of it on my hand/shoulder, and having this mighty sense of satisfaction.

Being in Borders is an experience by itself; finding myself at the border of my reality and staring into this vastness of space, with new people, new places, and new stories to be told. No air ticket needed, just a piece of printed Borders voucher and finally I'm home, with a keepsake in my otherwise boring black bag.

hello me

I've just completed a personality profiler and boy, I must say I am really impressed with it. Looking at the complete report, I feel like I am facing a mirror image of my personality. It is as if this automatic profiler has known me and observed me in life for a long time. What's more, it could put it all in clear, concise, and accurate sentences. It's really satisfying, it's a moment of self-discovery, getting re-acquainted with who I am. Neat.

Go and try it, people. http://www.c-vat.com/

these are too good not to be noted down

What I would love to say at work:
"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at cellular level I'm really quite busy."

"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."

"I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... "

"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject."


-- this is why I love Stumble!

2008.10.23 Fly Me to Bangkok

come fly with me
stay a little while above the clouds
we'll fly into the dawn

when you open your eyes
we're there...
in Krung Thep
the city of angels.

Sawasdee!

Wat Phra Kaew

Ramakien figure outside the temple

The splendour of Wat Phra Kaew (Temple of Emerald Buddha) enchants the eyes of the beholders. The temple is so grand, yet the namesake of the place: the Emerald Buddha itself, is quite small. Despite its minute size, it is the most venerated icon in Thailand. The Buddha was dressed in a gilded monastery robe with headress since it was rainy season then. I was told that the Buddha will be dressed in golden shawl in winter, while in summer, he will be dressed with a crown and jewelry.

The reclining Buddha at Wat Pho

View across Chao Phraya from Wat Arun

After bringing us to Wat Pho and Wat Arun (it was his first time visiting these places although he was bornt and bred in Bangkok), MooH said: Since I have been to two temples this year, I don't have to go to temple next year. ~_~* (he has one-temple-a-year policy)

Besides the mandatory sightseeing, we had the essential Thai culinary experience in one of the local markets and in a shopping centre in Sukhumvit area. The food was great: papaya salad, sticky rice, roasted chicken, minced pork for lunch (this meal offered a mix sour, spicy, and sweet taste) and the best Japanese meal ever for dinner (well, Jap food is not really a Thai experience, but it proves the point that food in Thailand is fantastic!).
In addition, we tried all kinds of public transportation in the city: bus, BTS (skytrain), river express, cross-river ferry, tuk-tuk, and taxi.

Bangkok reminds us of Jakarta, only better and cleaner.

A rendezvous, a déjàvu.

The two people that make Bangkok so memorable (=

a friend told me once that he always thought that the best moments are when one is 80% happy.
i thought about it for a long time.

happiness is elusive. most of the time we sit in the midst of happiness and sadness, in the gap, where feelings are scarce and unmemorable. and then something comes along. so we live.

i sip my coffee every morning. it gives me a certain happiness. and then i got onto a packed mrt train, that nullifies the coffee effect. i went into office lobby, waiting for the lift. i saw the cute colleague, and my heart gives a little leap. work starts, and feelings are put to rest and mind is set to work.

in the long term, these little feelings in the morning hardly matters. it is unmemorable.

in contrast,
the first snow in life is unforgettable. i remember mine. if anything, i was probably at the moment of 80% happiness.

sitting outside a cafe in a small beach in italy, listening to street musician playing a tune so familiar, a song heard over the radio many years ago, is another happiness realized. at that moment, nothing else in the world matters.

these moments make my world goes round. but those unmemorable moments are the ones that make the world goes round.
my world is small, but the world is one big, big place.
and to be alive, has always been, will always be a grand thing in its own right.

bright saturday afternoon

pretty curls flowing in the wind
one, two, up you go
one moment you were on your feet
next you were on your hands
hanging off a little arch
three seconds of pure, simple joy

repeat
repeat
repeat

how could you be so happy, little one?

are you an angel?
are you stranger to the world?

what can i say to you?
should i speak of the world that i know?

no,
instead i should talk of happiness, of the pure blue sky above us,
of candies and chocolates, of careless abandon in the playground,
of a child's bright eyes

.
.
.

Joie de vivre - a joy of everything.

I blog less now. There are couples of drafts left in the dashboard, collecting dust; each contains fragments of memories that are not well-versed and thoughts that are foggy: hazy mist that hides something important that I don't know what. It becomes quite frustrating to write, because I have all these thoughts but my words are so cold and flat.

I used to write letters, because I really wanted to keep in touch with old friends back home. I had so many things to say: the new place, the new school, the new friends, the new crush, the feelings, and most of all to say that I really missed them. As time went by, as the new life settled down, it became harder to write. Lives became more disconnected and the invisible, yet tangible distance grew wider until I couldn't see or feel the people on the other side anymore. I still missed them, but all I could write was 'Hello, how have you been? I miss you.' I couldn't keep on doing that, no? It's just too depressing. So I decided to keep these friends in an imaginary beautiful box with all the fancy letter sets, and labelled it keepsakes.

Today, in the classroom training at work, there were 2 Indonesians in my group. They are new to Singapore, coming here since few months ago to work. And it took them some time to find out that I was also an Indonesian. They even thought that I could not understand Indonesian. And one of them kept saying that although I was Indonesian, I was already converted. I was pissed at him for saying that. He was right to judge that I am not very Indonesian anymore, I have been away for too long. But I am not converted. They wouldn't know it, but the right word to use is actually displaced. I am a displaced person. Not quite an Indonesian, but not a Singaporean either.

Just yesterday, I met a friend for a drink by the river, in the middle of the town, in one of the most tumultuous periods in the finance history. The sky was still bright when we met and the place was still quite empty. As the sun went down and the evening set in, more people filled the place. People in suits drowning pints of beer, discussing about the flurry of events unfolding this week. I guess during hard times, drinks go down faster, willing them to give a temporal reprieve to the troubled minds. And there we were, at the threshold of the working life, quite comfortably unscathed by the things happening around us, but realizing that it would be our world in no time. Maybe it's the drinks, maybe it's the company, I'm not quite sure how we ended up talking for about 5 hours straight. I'm not complaining though, since having good chats are really therapeutic. And who knows, I might have found myself a kindred spirit.

And these days I met Lt for lunch quite often, and it makes me quite happy. Much happier than when I go for lunch with my colleagues. Maybe this just goes to show that I am a misfit for the present. I can comfortably be myself around old friends, and I don't quite know where I stand right now. When I go for lunch with colleagues of about the same age as me, often I find them very high-schoolish. When it's lunch with my older colleagues (those that have already worked for several years, already married, already have children), I find myself being so out of phase with them, not being able to offer any advise or give suggestions. I realise things are much better when I talk with the non-Singaporeans.

Ok, at this point in time, my mind drifts away. I have been juggling between completing this post and surfing websites for the past 10 minutes. I better end with a comic strip I found on Dilbert blog and publish this entry. Before it adds on to the draft list.

Thoughts on a packed rush hour morning train

Hello. I've finally escaped from the Waiting Place, into the land of suits, ties, and high heels. I still wonder how I end up here. Six months ago, this was unthinkable to me. I had plans but apparently, in the end life always has its own plans for me. So what's the moral of the story? Don't worry, don't plan too much, let life lead you to new places.

I wonder if I would really like this job. I wonder if money would eventually be the only driving force in my working life. I wonder if I would ever make friends again. I wonder if I would be more hollow a person. To tell you the truth, I'm really scared.

Yesterday, I met some old friends; from this year onwards, we would have different titles and occupations attached to us, we have finally become a full-fledged adult. I am really thankful that after all these years, I still have these guys as friends. They are one of the two best things that coming to Singapore has given me (the other one being the opportunity to live independently).

I have two little tuition kids. They are so cute, I like them and I think they like me too. I brought them to my place last Saturday because their parents asked me to (they wanted to go out for a few hours and didn't want to leave their kids alone at home). Maybe I actually can be a good aunt to my niece and nephews; I feel bad sometimes that I see them only once a year.

I miss learning languages again. I miss the joy and excitement of going to language classes and being lost in the world of new words and grammars and cultures. I hope I would have enough free times again so that I could do things that I want and be a person I want to be.

I have wanderlust. Once I can, I would take leave from work, pack my backpack, and buy the next ticket out of here.

As I was doing some cleaning and packing up today, I found a bar of milk chocolate in one of the supposedly-empty plastic bags that I was going to discard. I couldn't remember buying it, but I surely had since I also found the receipt inside the plastic bag. Anyway, it is a nice surprise. I have been chocolate-deprived for a few weeks and this is just what I need.

Maybe it's a note from the past. Today is officially my last day in univ, so maybe it is a kind of "Congrats, you've done it" note from me few months ago. Ha ha. Sounds mad, but I actually used to write a note for myself when I was a little girl. I had this house-shaped piggy bank (with red roof and creamy facade) in which I kept the notes I wrote when I was 8 or 10 years old for myself 5, 10 years down the road. I remembered writing it, but sadly, I never get around reading when the time was up. Oh, well.

Anyway, I must have bought this when I was in a quite stressful period. Usually I will buy either chocolate or another C, which is less wholesome but I like anyway. Strange that I bought Dars, since I usually bought Cadbury but I am cheap, so I am guessing there was a discount of sorts. So, here comes the question? Why would there be a discount for chocolates? Having worked in the Cocoa Trees some time back, I learn that chocolates are usually on sale when they are nearing their expire dates. So I turned the chocolate bar, and true enough, the expiry date is May 2008. Which is like sometime this month. OH well.

Anyway, it's a good reason to binge on it while I can.

On a side note, I used a lot of anyways in this entry. Coincidentally, I used it a lot too when I talked about univ life. "Anyway, it turned out well in the end," " Anyway, it doesn't matter," "Anyway, it sucks," and so on. (Anyway, can anyone tell me how to punctuate the previous sentence properly?)

So, I just want to say, tomorrow I am no longer a student. What I will be, say next month, I cannot tell. But tomorrow, yes, tomorrow, I am an unemployed.

Or maybe, just someone on a vacation. Ha-ha.

As I sat down on a bench overlooking the darkness of the night in my residence studying for the last bioengineering paper in university, my mind wandered off and out of the blues, I thought about how I first fell in love with science. I have walked down this science path for the whole of my education career; primary, secondary, pre-u, and college. If I have chosen a path that I have followed for three quarter of my life, there must be something really important and I love about it.

I am not sure when this longtime affair started, but I think I could safely conclude from my youngest memory of the first physical phenomena that I learnt and understood. It was of the formation of rain. I still remember the joy I felt when suddenly I understood why rain happened, and it made sense. Not the standard thing my religion teacher used to tell me (“Because God made it that way.”) but the whole process from how the water from earth turned into water vapor and moved into the sky, condensed to form clouds, before everything got too crowded and heavy up there and they all fell back to the earth with the blessings of the Sun. Even the things that accompany rain, like thunders, lightning, rainbow; now they all made sense.

I remembered still how fascinated my best friend and I were when we learnt about the working of heart; this incredible pumping machine in our body that works for as long as we live. I am actually very intrigued of my memory retention ability. I still remember most of my human biology lessons from as long as 10 years ago. I love it how when we were young, life seems more intriguing, every little things that we learnt were new and intriguing, our passion lighted up from simplest things.

We all know that these kinds of excitement do not stay for long. And as I learn more of science, delve deeper into intricate phenomena, dissecting the mathematics of it, my mind just baulk most of the time. I complained a lot in university about my decision to go into BIE, and I must admit that I do not enjoy it, I am not very good at it and I think it would not take me into the places that I want to go in life. I am an average student, with very confused career objectives and even more dispensable career choices. I wonder what went wrong throughout these years. Has science, especially engineering, become too difficult for me to excel? Am I just not cut out for it? Or was my emotional instability in some years has snuffed out my passion?

Despite all these chronic questions that I cannot answer, I believe that life goes on and that it is inevitable that at certain points in our lives, we are bound to make not-the-best choices. I am not someone who thinks far into the future. I follow my gut feelings and I believe in what I love. I did not explore career options when I was at that crossroads 4 years ago, but I follow what I believed to be the best choice for me at that time. That choice is the sum of what I am and what I love. Maybe BIE turned out not to be the best in the end but I still can pull through it somehow. And most importantly, I have met some wonderful people that I will always keep in my heart.

Life is still waiting.

when the days were getting longer

I remember around this time last year,

the trees have turned green
the little patch of grass in front of my house had grown little white flowers on it
the horses and rabbits beside my house looked cheerful
mornings have arrived earlier at my doorstep and window sill
the sun caressed my face when I cycled to and from the school
dropping by at the icecream parlour in the city center became favourite after-school past time

Suddenly I really long to travel again. The itch.

Maybe tomorrow, I will pack my pillow and a suitcase, buy myself a ticket and fly to a new place. To follow the instinct to search; search for what you may ask... I'm not sure, perhaps a search for a place in this crazy world, a place where I could call a home.

Or simply just to have a delightful plate of pasta and a cup of espresso.

beat the day

I must say, I have never been so challenged or swarmed by work in my life.

I can feel the tiredness slowly seeping away from every pores in my body when I came back at night. It's getting quite ridiculous, really.

But then again, challenges are privileges. All these works would not come to me if they know that I would do a shitty job in the end.

So here, from the back of piles of papers to read and write, application letters to send, and homework to do, I sincerely say: Thank you!

So it is that time of the semester again. The little pause before the semester accelerates, stress heightens, momentum gathers until it climaxes into the swan song that is examination. The dilemma between wanting to fully enjoy the break and doing the necessary work to prepare oneself of the looming doom. This time, however, semester break poses no dilemma. There is simply no option of bumming around during the break. And strangely enough, this is not something to complain about. I think it is because this is the last semester break. I am going to kiss formal education goodbye by May this year.

There is something poignant about the last of everything. The last dinner with a friend who is leaving for good, the last embrace, the last day wearing a school uniform, the last day of every year, the last bus/mrt to catch for the day, the last episode of Friends. Every goodbye makes one feel more lonely, more alone. Every goodbye distances one from someone but brings him closer to another someone. When I was young, I used to like this children stories in which we have to make decisions at certain points in the story, and each decision brings us to a page and into a plot which would be different if we chose different path. There are two or three possibilities to the ending of the story, but interestingly I might end up with the same ending even if I chose different paths at the particular crossroad. There are many crossroads in the story, and the ending is the result of all the choices made along the way.

Sometimes I think living life is like buying a one-way ticket to a certain landmark. We make choices and don't plan to come back to where we started. If things go well, we proceed; if it doesn't, we have another plan; a detour not a return. The decisions I have to make this year give me so much anxiety, but with that comes the little tingle in the ear that usually signals something exciting coming my way.

i prefer coffee to tea
tea is nice but coffee is what i like
no milk or sugar, please
don't ask why

i like summer all year long
bright sun whenever wherever
snow is pretty
but, oh dear!
sun is what i will miss

a one-line note is better
than a long colourful Super Wall post

a familiar stanger's smile
is sweeter than an acquaintance fleeting 'hi'

after all,
to choose is a privilege
so, my love,

be choosy!

photo published by National Geographic, 1985 - "Afghan Girl"


photo taken from a photoblog in Firefox Stumble!, 2008

"War is a malignant disease, an idiocy, a prison, and the pain it causes is beyond telling or meaning; but war was our condition and our history, the place we had to live in."
M. Gelhorn

of noodle-uncle

as i walked towards my residence tonight, i saw the yih-noodle-stall uncle riding his bike, probably back to his home. i smiled and he waved at me. this is the first time i saw him not in his noodle-uncle attribute: the white apron and the strainer. it was almost 9pm.

i was really tired as i have been in the lab for the past 12 hours. i didn't do much physical work in there but i feel tired, sleepy, and all i want to do when i go home is to check my email and sleep. i don't even want to watch heroes or grey's anatomy before that. i don't want to go online on msn or talk to anyone. i want to grumble about my life, or the lack of it. but tonight, i got that "flick in the head"...

this man, worked for at least 10 hours every day; standing beside the heat of the boiling water, selling possibly the best noodles in NUS. he always greets his customer with his sincere smile and he always says thank you. he remembers me and what i always get from his stall. sometimes i will overhear him speaking in his native chinese dialect and it reminds me of my chinese class. i always remember him as the noodle-uncle, but today, as i saw him cycling back home, i saw him as a person, and my mind created an image of his life. and i know, i have a lot to learn from him.

i'm reminded that instead of grumbling, i could give myself a pat on the back and be glad that i have finished my grueling very-long-experiment day. instead of frowning, i could smile to familiar strangers as a smile goes a long way.

and i looked up to the night sky, and to my surprise, i saw the sky studded with stars, about 70-80 of them (yes, i actually counted them); a really pleasant surprise for a singapore sky. and i thought about my physics teacher who told the class some years back one of the most amazing fact that i've learnt in life... that when we're looking at the stars, we're actually looking into the past because it's a heavenly long journey, even light takes years to reach us.

good night, world. see you tomorrow.

Note to self: Latte isn't a coffee drink

I've known this fact for some time but I'm still fooled anyway.

By the way, this drink isn't bad. However, I'm not a fan of milk, even if it's a heavenly Belgian-chocolate flavoured one.

mandatory new-year post

I spent this New Year's Eve watching firework show in Esplanade. It reminded me of exactly 8 years ago, when New Year's Eve was first spent away from home, with new-found friends, on Orchard Road that was packed with people like I've never seen before. I love watching fireworks, it's one of the things that I never grow out of. And it's great to know that many people share this feeling too. The crowd stopped moving and looked up to the sky in wonder once the fireworks started. Each burst seemed to be in sync with the pumping heart, each streak of light mirrored in every eyes that watched. It's a celebration of life, of the present, of people.

Happy New Year, everyone.

***

2007 has been a very good year to me. It has been a great teacher through travel and school, a cozy bonfire around which new friends were made and old friends were reunited, a guardian angel that watched over me and led me to some of the beautiful places in the world.

2007 brought little joys that made me happy; not the exuberant joy from achieving something but a state of mind of being at peace with the world and myself.

And a rough reminder of one's mortality, dear starlight.

***

New Year Resolution:
1. To be a better person
2. Get a job (to be specified soon)
3. Live healthier (exercise more, less junk food)
4. Travel again (maybe to Beijing for Olympics 2008 :p )
5. Read more books and keep up with the news
6. Learn how to cook!