As I was doing some cleaning and packing up today, I found a bar of milk chocolate in one of the supposedly-empty plastic bags that I was going to discard. I couldn't remember buying it, but I surely had since I also found the receipt inside the plastic bag. Anyway, it is a nice surprise. I have been chocolate-deprived for a few weeks and this is just what I need.

Maybe it's a note from the past. Today is officially my last day in univ, so maybe it is a kind of "Congrats, you've done it" note from me few months ago. Ha ha. Sounds mad, but I actually used to write a note for myself when I was a little girl. I had this house-shaped piggy bank (with red roof and creamy facade) in which I kept the notes I wrote when I was 8 or 10 years old for myself 5, 10 years down the road. I remembered writing it, but sadly, I never get around reading when the time was up. Oh, well.

Anyway, I must have bought this when I was in a quite stressful period. Usually I will buy either chocolate or another C, which is less wholesome but I like anyway. Strange that I bought Dars, since I usually bought Cadbury but I am cheap, so I am guessing there was a discount of sorts. So, here comes the question? Why would there be a discount for chocolates? Having worked in the Cocoa Trees some time back, I learn that chocolates are usually on sale when they are nearing their expire dates. So I turned the chocolate bar, and true enough, the expiry date is May 2008. Which is like sometime this month. OH well.

Anyway, it's a good reason to binge on it while I can.

On a side note, I used a lot of anyways in this entry. Coincidentally, I used it a lot too when I talked about univ life. "Anyway, it turned out well in the end," " Anyway, it doesn't matter," "Anyway, it sucks," and so on. (Anyway, can anyone tell me how to punctuate the previous sentence properly?)

So, I just want to say, tomorrow I am no longer a student. What I will be, say next month, I cannot tell. But tomorrow, yes, tomorrow, I am an unemployed.

Or maybe, just someone on a vacation. Ha-ha.

As I sat down on a bench overlooking the darkness of the night in my residence studying for the last bioengineering paper in university, my mind wandered off and out of the blues, I thought about how I first fell in love with science. I have walked down this science path for the whole of my education career; primary, secondary, pre-u, and college. If I have chosen a path that I have followed for three quarter of my life, there must be something really important and I love about it.

I am not sure when this longtime affair started, but I think I could safely conclude from my youngest memory of the first physical phenomena that I learnt and understood. It was of the formation of rain. I still remember the joy I felt when suddenly I understood why rain happened, and it made sense. Not the standard thing my religion teacher used to tell me (“Because God made it that way.”) but the whole process from how the water from earth turned into water vapor and moved into the sky, condensed to form clouds, before everything got too crowded and heavy up there and they all fell back to the earth with the blessings of the Sun. Even the things that accompany rain, like thunders, lightning, rainbow; now they all made sense.

I remembered still how fascinated my best friend and I were when we learnt about the working of heart; this incredible pumping machine in our body that works for as long as we live. I am actually very intrigued of my memory retention ability. I still remember most of my human biology lessons from as long as 10 years ago. I love it how when we were young, life seems more intriguing, every little things that we learnt were new and intriguing, our passion lighted up from simplest things.

We all know that these kinds of excitement do not stay for long. And as I learn more of science, delve deeper into intricate phenomena, dissecting the mathematics of it, my mind just baulk most of the time. I complained a lot in university about my decision to go into BIE, and I must admit that I do not enjoy it, I am not very good at it and I think it would not take me into the places that I want to go in life. I am an average student, with very confused career objectives and even more dispensable career choices. I wonder what went wrong throughout these years. Has science, especially engineering, become too difficult for me to excel? Am I just not cut out for it? Or was my emotional instability in some years has snuffed out my passion?

Despite all these chronic questions that I cannot answer, I believe that life goes on and that it is inevitable that at certain points in our lives, we are bound to make not-the-best choices. I am not someone who thinks far into the future. I follow my gut feelings and I believe in what I love. I did not explore career options when I was at that crossroads 4 years ago, but I follow what I believed to be the best choice for me at that time. That choice is the sum of what I am and what I love. Maybe BIE turned out not to be the best in the end but I still can pull through it somehow. And most importantly, I have met some wonderful people that I will always keep in my heart.

Life is still waiting.

when the days were getting longer

I remember around this time last year,

the trees have turned green
the little patch of grass in front of my house had grown little white flowers on it
the horses and rabbits beside my house looked cheerful
mornings have arrived earlier at my doorstep and window sill
the sun caressed my face when I cycled to and from the school
dropping by at the icecream parlour in the city center became favourite after-school past time

Suddenly I really long to travel again. The itch.

Maybe tomorrow, I will pack my pillow and a suitcase, buy myself a ticket and fly to a new place. To follow the instinct to search; search for what you may ask... I'm not sure, perhaps a search for a place in this crazy world, a place where I could call a home.

Or simply just to have a delightful plate of pasta and a cup of espresso.

beat the day

I must say, I have never been so challenged or swarmed by work in my life.

I can feel the tiredness slowly seeping away from every pores in my body when I came back at night. It's getting quite ridiculous, really.

But then again, challenges are privileges. All these works would not come to me if they know that I would do a shitty job in the end.

So here, from the back of piles of papers to read and write, application letters to send, and homework to do, I sincerely say: Thank you!

So it is that time of the semester again. The little pause before the semester accelerates, stress heightens, momentum gathers until it climaxes into the swan song that is examination. The dilemma between wanting to fully enjoy the break and doing the necessary work to prepare oneself of the looming doom. This time, however, semester break poses no dilemma. There is simply no option of bumming around during the break. And strangely enough, this is not something to complain about. I think it is because this is the last semester break. I am going to kiss formal education goodbye by May this year.

There is something poignant about the last of everything. The last dinner with a friend who is leaving for good, the last embrace, the last day wearing a school uniform, the last day of every year, the last bus/mrt to catch for the day, the last episode of Friends. Every goodbye makes one feel more lonely, more alone. Every goodbye distances one from someone but brings him closer to another someone. When I was young, I used to like this children stories in which we have to make decisions at certain points in the story, and each decision brings us to a page and into a plot which would be different if we chose different path. There are two or three possibilities to the ending of the story, but interestingly I might end up with the same ending even if I chose different paths at the particular crossroad. There are many crossroads in the story, and the ending is the result of all the choices made along the way.

Sometimes I think living life is like buying a one-way ticket to a certain landmark. We make choices and don't plan to come back to where we started. If things go well, we proceed; if it doesn't, we have another plan; a detour not a return. The decisions I have to make this year give me so much anxiety, but with that comes the little tingle in the ear that usually signals something exciting coming my way.

i prefer coffee to tea
tea is nice but coffee is what i like
no milk or sugar, please
don't ask why

i like summer all year long
bright sun whenever wherever
snow is pretty
but, oh dear!
sun is what i will miss

a one-line note is better
than a long colourful Super Wall post

a familiar stanger's smile
is sweeter than an acquaintance fleeting 'hi'

after all,
to choose is a privilege
so, my love,

be choosy!