Notes on the Wall

Somewhere Beyond the Sea

2011-10-19T21:20:00.003Z

I went to Los Angeles in the last module break. It's good to see an old friend in a new place.

I love the Pacific Ocean; it's so blue and seems endless. I feel at peace everytime I see the ocean or the blue sky. Wish I could have this view every day. If I ever live in LA, I will go by the ocea every morning. Just to remind myself that it's another good day to be alive.

2011-06-11T17:25:00.002+01:00

9,372 miles.

That's how far I will be going away from Singapore for at least one year, in less than one month from now. I'm looking forward to it and I am really grateful for the opportunity to be able to be away, to do something that will give me a second chance in building a proper career path.

Leaving Singapore is what I have wanted to do for the past 2 years, but it's not as easy at it seems. Leaving a place that has been my comfort zone for the past 11.5 years is not the most natural thing to do. Saying goodbyes, not knowing when I will be back (although I am almost sure that I will be), packing up years worth of belongings are inconvenient. It's like leaving a bookmark on an unfinished chapter and starting a new chapter. Or has the chapter ended without me knowing?

Either way, a new chapter in life is going to start soon.
Wish me luck :)

And stay tuned!

so long 2010, welcome 2011

2011-01-02T14:40:00.002Z

These are the events that marked my 2010:
1. Traveling to Japan in autumn with WL
A major trip in a long, long time - rediscovering the joy of travel!

2. Second major employment
I wonder how long this will last.

3. Driver's license, at last!
I was elated to pass the driving test the week before Christmas!

It has only been 2 days into the new year and it has been kind of a roller coaster ride. If nothing else goes wrong, I would have lived in 3 different houses by March 2011.

I spent the new year's eve in lydia's house - enjoying a spread of home-cooked dishes prepared by tessie, lydia and myself! (not to mention, with great help from auntie jo). it was like a dejavu of the millenia's eve celebration 11 years ago.

Although I slept through the new year countdown and the start of the year has been sort of bumpy, I believe that this will be an eventful year. A year I will always remember in my life, a landmark, hopefully a beginning of something new and beautiful.

Bring it on, 2011!

2010-06-15T16:13:00.003+01:00

for the past one months or so, i have slipped into oblivious, solitary indulgence. shying away from gatherings, preferring to stay at home even though it's the sale season. i have no interest in investing my energy on social interaction, other than a handful of friends whose company and conversations i truly seek. it's a conscious act of isolation, a cry for a change.

all the books that i borrowed from the library these days are cookbooks. due to my stay-at-home mode, i have a lot of time and have spent them on trying recipes. the myriad scents of herbs are my calming aromatherapy, the sizzling sound from stir-fry vegetables in a wok is music to my ear, a plate of hot home-cooked dish is a feast to the eye, pride and stomach.

june 2010 will be forever etched in my memory as the first time i quit a job. 23 months into my first job and i left. i've never thought that i would stay in my first job for long - i know i've had one foot out of the door for some time, and all i can say is that i'm glad that it's all said and done now. everything has been pleasant, even the resignation.

may 2010 is the month when an old promise is fulfilled. finally. after 10 years. all i can do is laugh, be grateful, and probably, finally, letting go.

after all the humbug and noises have faded away, i sit down with a cup of freshly brewed coffee and a plate of pasta, close my eyes and think of paradise i once saw.
ah... quite a bliss.

2010-06-11T16:58:00.003+01:00

As I Grew Older by Langston Hughes

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun--
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

2010-04-10T03:05:00.003Z

Saturday morning, I woke up unusually early, ready for a breakfast appointment with a good friend.
I was greeted with dark sky outside my window.
As I came out of the house, a whiff of pleasant smell greeted me. Suddenly it came to me. This is what S once meant by the pleasant smell just before the rain.

I've always loved the rain - the sound, the sight, the cool air, the wonderful earthy smell after the rain, and the wet grass and flowers. It's so rich and full.
And sometimes when the rainbow appears, it feels nothing but magical.

The smell before the rain has a different feel to me - a little sharp chemical odour that seems to whisper expectations.
I did a web search on this and found out that this smell probably comes from plant chemicals that are absorbed into the rocks, and released into the air when there is a sudden jump in humidity.

What's your memory of the rain?

Perahu Kertas, karya Dee

2010-02-17T13:11:00.004Z

Saya habis membaca buku ini dalam waktu satu hari, pada hari kedua dalam tahun baru Imlek. Sehabis mengumpulkan angpao dari rumah-rumah saudara, saya pergi ke sebuah mall baru di daerah Grogol. Di situlah saya bertemu dengan Perahu Kertas. Tanpa ragu-ragu, saya pun membelinya dengan uang "penghasilan" tadi siang. Entah sudah berapa lama tidak membeli sebuah buku berbahasa Indonesia. Saya penggemar karya Dee; seri Supernova yang sudah lama tidak ada lanjutannya masih setia menempati buku Indonesia favorit di perpustakaan hati.

Dari mulai halaman pertama saya terhanyut dalam pusaran kisah Kugy dan Keenan. Dua anak mahasiswa yang punya mimpi namun ragu-ragu untuk mengejar mimpinya karena realita hidup mendorong mereka ke tempat yang lain. Kugy ingin menjadi juru dongeng, Keenan ingin menjadi pelukis. Mereka bertemu, star-crossed lovers. Tapi seperti kata sang pujangga tersohor Shakespeare "The course of true love never did run smooth", kisah mereka terurai dalam buku setebal 400an halaman ini, mengundang bahagia, tawa, air mata, pemikiran, tanda tanya, dan kepercayaan akan cinta dan mimpi.

Sudah lama saya tidak menemukan novel yang ringan isinya tapi tulus dan bermakna. Pengembangan karakter begitu pandai dan mulus sehingga sejak bab kedua saya seperti sudah mengenal kedua tokoh utama itu bertahun-tahun (atau berbab-bab dalam hitungan buku). Alur ceritanya pun mengalir; walaupun terkadang mudah ditebak, namun bahasanya yang segar membuat proses membaca menghibur. Jiwa puitis Dee pun tidak hilang dalam arus novel ini. Untuk kategori novel popular, novel ini sangat saya rekomendasi.

Membaca dalam bahasa Indonesia lain rasanya dengan membaca dalam bahasa Inggris; saya tidak tahu bagaimana mengungkapkannya tapi ada rasa hangat dan kedekatan yang lebih, seperti makan bakso bihun dengan teh botol pada hari hujan di dalam warung di pelosok yang agak terpencil di kota.

Sesampainya di halaman terakhir, saya tersenyum sendiri. Seandainya bisa terus duduk di dalam Perahu Kertas dan berlayar bertemu Neptunus di laut...

2009-12-25T06:46:00.002Z

Ducks and bears
Here and there
Close your eyes
Dream dream dream
Rippling silently to your heart

It's good while it lasted.

Whatever love you can get and give.
Whatever happiness you can provide.
Every temporary measure of grace.
Whatever works.

2009-11-26T20:08:00.002Z

Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can
meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes,
is certain for those who are friends.

2009-10-18T09:35:00.004Z

Sometimes I wonder, if I could see the shape of my heart, what would it look like? The physical heart that works every second of my life and the "heart" that feels and loves.

If live is measured by heart beat... this is how old I am
my heartbeat is about 80 beats/min
1 day has 1440 mins
1 year has 525600 mins
26 years have 13,665,600 mins, which is equal to approximately 1 billion heartbeats.

I don't know if it feels tired, because it never complains. It works tirelessly, sustaining life, giving this body another day, another shot at life.
However, I could feel it being suffocated at times. The heart wants to break free from a metaphorical cage. I've been trying every single day for the past 5 years to set it free from whatever that is binding it.

I'm not quite there yet. But it will, someday, soon.

Your heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, spilling over its banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, inundated and carried away by that rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Everytime you see a flood like that on the news you tell yourself: That's it. That's my heart.

2009-10-11T02:48:00.002Z

i don't remember when was the last time i heard your voice. it must have been too long.
i don't know what brings you to call, but thank you. i need it.

i would like to think that when i feel so alone, there's someone in this world who is thinking of me. that no one is destined to be alone. that there will be someone to watch over me.
thanks to you, i think it might not just be a wishful thinking.

i'm so glad we're friends all this time. it's one of things i want to see through til i grow old and til my memory fails me.

a horse carousel
merry-go-round
mirrors mirrors on the wall
carnival tunes
people people all around

one day i'll come off mine
and i'll walk to you
to say 'hi'
for the rest of our lives.

2009-09-29T23:56:00.001Z

ZZzzzzZZzzZZZ...

If only money is a non-issue in life, I would have left this dusty desk and this winter wonderland of an office right here, right now.

2009-08-29T12:18:00.001Z

It's hard to say goodbye. I felt like the girl who fell from the swing seat. The hard thud, the feel of the wet earth on the knees, the dissipative swings before it completely comes to a halt.

My theatre of emotions has been a desolate place for some time. Suddenly a goodbye has to come like a disconcerting, inexplicable eruption backstage.

I know there's nothing wrong with farewell, of course. Hellos-goodbyes. They co-exist, a symbiotic partnership.
Goodbye involves the active effort to put what is "usual, status quo" into the keepsakes-box of memories. Hellos fill in the empty spaces, re-building that part of life that has been left behind. The pain is so real at beginning that perhaps only a temporal lobotomy will ease it. Thanks to the natural instinct of survival, the Self shall prevail. After all, the greatest devil is the one within the constraint of your mind and want.

The good times have been good. I doubt if I'll ever meet anyone with a mind so pure and simple, albeit annoying at times.
Life would not be the same anymore. So I shed a tear or two for the loss.

And as the dawn breaks, tears shall dry on their own.

2009-08-09T13:43:00.002+01:00

The first time I heard this song was in 2000 when I went to National Day parade preview in Padang. It has been my favourite NDP song ever since, even when I couldn't say that I relate much to this song.
A beautiful song that evokes nostalgic moments. How different it is from the songs played in the national day celebration in my actual hometown; they are usually patriotic songs with marching beats or slower songs that marvel at the nature or folk songs whose lyrics I don't understand but remember anyway.

Happy Birthday, Singapore! Thanks for opening your door for me these 10 years!

play it, sam

2009-07-14T14:18:00.002+01:00

i hate noises of chatter around me when i am on my own. i was on the lift on my way down after work today and the lift was unusually noisy. there was a couple speaking in some African language while the other chatter in Chinese, the newscaster on TV was reading some stock market predictions rapidly, the robotic voice announced each time the lift door opened. it was so disconcerting. the volume grew louder, the flurry of sentences assaulted my ears and i could feel the pounding in my head. i closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on other things. it didn't work.
i rushed out of the lift the moment the door opened on the first floor.

my colleague told me before that my ipod's volume's too loud. now i realize that's a form of adaptation, a survival skill. urban noises drive me nuts: rumble of the train, blazing horns, strangers, building constructions. birds don't sing the morning glory here, roosters don't crow (well... there's no rooster to start with). urban noise is the anthem of the morning, the humdrum that sucks the soul out, leaving an empty shell behind; a humpty dumpty parked in front of a smart machine, biding its time.

music is my remedy. i honestly don't think i can survive my days without it.

07.07.09

2009-07-08T17:35:00.002+01:00

Gone Too Soon - performed by Usher in MJ's Memorial

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

2009-07-07T14:34:00.002+01:00

at times i feel really ashamed at myself; at how short my temper is, at how shallow i could be at times, at how stupid i am to let myself into the whirlpool of self-pity and negativity.

i need to learn.

2 weeks ago i met a childhood best friend whom i've not seen in 13 years. it feels a little weird. she said i haven't changed. i wasn't so sure, so i asked if that's a good or a bad thing. she said it's a good thing. really? i was unconvinced but i let it lie.

i was glad that i could recognize her instantly. that's the only vivid memory i have of her. i couldn't remember how she sounded like. we went for dinner and a walk around the town. we exchanged some updates... it's not easy to sufficiently summarize 13 years in a span of few hours. it's a brief, succinct pointers of the landmarks in life, devoid of the details that only friends share. we talked about some old acquaintances, recounted some old memories. not long after she had to leave and catch her plane.

i didn't miss her but i'm happy to see her again. it's like finding a forgotten keepsake, something that you could well live without and unsure of how it's going to fit your present life.

friends, i learn, needs commitment to keep. if there's a long hiatus in the friendship, chances are you could not pick up where you left it, you have to start over. my guess is that the cutoff time is 5 years.

i'm reading 3 books at the moment and they all keep me hooked:
New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
After Dark - Haruki Murakami
Don't Stop Believing: How Karaoke Conquered the World and Changed My Life - Brian Raftery

one of the perks of singapore blue i/c is the lifetime membership to the national library. i read books that i wouldn't read otherwise. i take a long time to choose the book i'm going to buy. i amazon-ed it,
i took it from the shelf, put it back, went home, came back to the same store, and repeated these few times
before finally i decided to buy it.
but thanks to the library, i chanced on random books that i grew to like.

for the next few months, i'm going to spend a whole lot of my time commuting to work.
books and music are my only and most loyal companions. it's the little moments i could escape from this stagnant life; a moving space where i could switch from a vampire-in-love to Tokyo in the witching hours to a karaoke evangelist, all while listening to my own personal jukebox.

RIP Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T00:48:00.002+01:00

Thank you for the music...
You are a true entertainer, a music icon.

Goodbye, MJ.

Whole Lotta Love!

2009-05-07T16:15:00.006Z

You wouldn't believe the play count for this song in my ITunes.
TV has never been so exciting: A hot (maybe gay) rocker in tight leather pants, singing he'll give you every inch of his love! Hah!

Adamlicious! :->

What's Up

2009-04-26T03:59:00.002Z

In view of the recent developments or the lack thereof, I think it's time to really think and most importantly ACT on my plan to mold my life into shape. To put it bluntly, I'm really just biding my time doing what I am doing now. It's bad enough to feel dissatisfied with life, it's worse to fall into the serene slumber of deception when really what is happening now is being fitted into the cradle of mediocrity.

I understand why sometimes I cried when I laid in bed at night. Words could not bring out the things in my head and tears seem to be the only media to express.

I have a crapload to do and I don't even know where to start.

Close encounters with old friends are a way to start. Hanging out with old friends is like looking through the rose-tinted glass of our past and superimposing our past dreams with the present, getting a dream/reality check. My trip to Down Under last week is redemptive and the times I spent with them are more than I could have asked for.

I feel energized, and life's good.
I have never been happier to be alive.

It's time to get hold of some good crayons and color this canvas of life.

25 years and my life is still
Trying to get up that big hill of hope
For a destination

currently my favourite time of the week

2009-04-06T14:16:00.007Z

is wednesday, 10pm. american idol, awesome adam lambert.
every performances that he did is now on regular repeat in my Ipod. even the most bizarre performance that is his cover of "Ring of Fire". his vocal superiority, compelling stage presence, and his attractive androgyny easily makes him the most interesting contestant to grace american idol ever.

i think the first time i noticed him was in his profile page in american idol website. there was a list of questions which the top 13 contestants have to answer. one of the question is "what's your proudest moment?"
his answer is "falling in love."

that threw me off the loop.

there's a youtube video of him singing "i can't make you love me" in a restaurant on new year's eve, accompanied only by the piano.
it's so, so beautiful that it made me tear up.
there's probably more emotions in his 5-minute performance than in my life for the past one year or so.
i want to love someone that much. one day, hopefully.

i can't wait for his next performance. be it a high-octane thrilling performance, or a stripped-down, heartfelt performance, i know he'll bring the best to the table.

2009-01-06T13:47:00.004Z

I'd sometimes wonder what kind of life this was. Which is not to say that I found it empty. I was - very simply - amazed. At the lack of demarcation between the days. At the fact that I was part of such a life, a life that had swallowed me up so completely. At the fact that my footprints were being blown away before I even had a chance to turn and look at them.

Sleep, The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami

One afternoon after lunch at work, I suddenly thought about a poem I heard long time ago in the language lab in my junior high school. Karawang-Bekasi, karya Chairil Anwar. I remembered the voice in the recording, I recalled the background music that reverberated in the silence of the chilling poem.
It seems so long ago, but I hardly can recall other memories with such clarity.

One day as I was waiting for the lift to bring me down and out of the office, my colleague came along and asked, " How are you?" It was 18:45 and it was not the first time we chatted that day.

Knock knock
Day in
Walk walk
Work work
Wait wait
Day out

Bye bye.

*Repeat*

So long 2008, Welcome 2009

2009-01-01T03:34:00.005Z

2008 New Year Resolution:
1. To be a better person - on the way there...
2. Get a job (to be specified soon) - Luckily I did.
3. Live healthier (exercise more, less junk food) - second half of the year is definitely healthier... eating more greens, cutting back on snacks, weekend coffee detox, kickboxing. But then... my alcohol intake has been hitting an all-time high. And not to mention the occasional ciggies.
4. Travel again (maybe to Beijing for Olympics 2008 :p ) - a short trip to Thailand with my bestie. A very memorable travel, and definitely one of the best I ever had. Not to forget the short trip to Malacca with colleagues.
5. Read more books and keep up with the news - I aced this one. Has been reading books and following the news everyday since graduation (July 2008).
6. Learn how to cook! - I tried, didn't do very well, but I guess I am able to feed myself when I want to.

I will remember how old friendships were rekindled in 2008... these people from the past who suddenly drop by in this city, and we met, and we talked, and it felt right... so right.

I will remember the day when Barack Obama was elected as the 44th president of USA. I have never felt so happy since Italy won the World Cup in 2006. His acceptance speech brought tears to my eyes; for once, I wish I were an American.

Moving on to 2009...
New Year Resolution:
1. I will learn again - be it language, be it CFA, anything really.
2. I will eat healthy and step up on the exercise regime.
3. I will keep in touch with friends and people I know. I will love more and resent less. I will spend quality time with people that I love. I will call home more often.
4. I will travel again with someone, somewhere.
5. I will find my dream job and build a career that lasts.
6. I will be more adventurous and not be afraid to try things.

And most of all, I want to be happy, as always :)

Cheers to a New Year and a new beginning!

2008-12-24T16:38:00.003Z

Once again, it is that time of the year.

This year, I am in Singapore. It is a rainy day, not the heavy rain coupled with lightning and thunder, but a quiet, lingering rain that reminds me of a lawn sprinkler steadfastly watering the green pasture.
I am thankful because this year is the best one yet, in every delightful way.

Counting my blessings, and be grateful
of the special people that love and care
of the others that have enriched this life, by just being there
of the memories that make life tastes so special and unforgettable
of the experiences, big or small, that make me the person I am today.

Perhaps God's line is always busy,
but surely, a birthday girl gets a special treatment yes?

please watch over me;
when I run too fast to get through the day,
please extend your leg to trip me;
when it's ugly down here on earth,
please send me blue skies and starry nights;
when I lose my way,
please send me an angel to guide me home.

2008-12-02T12:49:00.004Z

I was stunned when I found this photograph in facebook. How nice it is to look at a long lost photograph taken 18 years ago. My memory has failed me, I cannot remember a single thing about my life back then. I cannot recognize my old friends from that era when we added each other in facebook. Nevertheless, the photograph never grows old. I see it as I remember it to be. A photograph can be kind, sparking a glimmer of light in a chapter of life that has been lost in time.

It was mid afternoon 1990. The sun was glaring, the kids couldn't keep their eyes open wide for the camera. It was their first year wearing that white-red uniform. Their teacher was a sweet, young lady (who is at that time, probably around my age now), Ibu Ratna. Their class was on the first floor of the school building, just beside the canteen. In fact, their class is the background in the photograph.

I wonder, where are they now? What kind of person have they become?
Long after our time has gone, I say a little prayer, for each and every single soul in the photograph, that they become the kind of people that those little kids wanted to be.

Borders beats Boredom

2008-11-21T13:38:00.003Z

For the past few weeks, I've been having this habit of going to Orchard Road on friday evenings. I would have a nice dinner in Minang House, shop, and walk along the boulevards. The Christmas decoration was up, the lighted streets at night exuded a Christmas-like feel, the jazz quartet played in front of Tang's while the chanteuse sang lovely jazzy tunes. Sometimes I would sit on the bench, listening to the music, watching people's faces as they walked by. After having enough of shopping and strolling, I would finally park myself in Borders, the raison d'être why I went to Orchard Road in the first place.

November is a special month, Border's birthday month. I got emails from Borders mailers every week in this month, with 30% discount voucher. I need something to read everyday when I am commuting to work. I need something to read in weekends. I need something to read to learn new things. I need something to read to take me away from this impressively mundane life. Books are my best friend.

I like searching for books, combing shelfs by shelfs, waiting for the books to "call" me. Some books only get a cursory glance, some a lingering look, some a second glance, and the selected few get picked for the next selection phase. I would pick a few books that interested me, take them to an empty corner and start judging them by more than its cover. I imagined the weather was foul outside, rain or snow, and there I was sitting peacefully inside a bookshop, flipping pages of ideas and imaginations. A cat curling up by the side would be nice.

I would make my final selection, bring it to the counter, pay for it (at 30%-discounted price!), and not asking for a plastic bag, because being a green person, I would rather put the book in my bag, feel the weight of it on my hand/shoulder, and having this mighty sense of satisfaction.

Being in Borders is an experience by itself; finding myself at the border of my reality and staring into this vastness of space, with new people, new places, and new stories to be told. No air ticket needed, just a piece of printed Borders voucher and finally I'm home, with a keepsake in my otherwise boring black bag.

hello me

2008-11-20T14:18:00.002Z

I've just completed a personality profiler and boy, I must say I am really impressed with it. Looking at the complete report, I feel like I am facing a mirror image of my personality. It is as if this automatic profiler has known me and observed me in life for a long time. What's more, it could put it all in clear, concise, and accurate sentences. It's really satisfying, it's a moment of self-discovery, getting re-acquainted with who I am. Neat.

Go and try it, people. http://www.c-vat.com/

these are too good not to be noted down

2008-11-13T12:51:00.004Z

What I would love to say at work:
"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at cellular level I'm really quite busy."

"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."

"I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... "

"Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject."

-- this is why I love Stumble!

2008.10.23 Fly Me to Bangkok

2008-10-30T13:18:00.012Z

come fly with me
stay a little while above the clouds
we'll fly into the dawn

when you open your eyes
we're there...
in Krung Thep
the city of angels.

Sawasdee!

Wat Phra Kaew

Ramakien figure outside the temple

The splendour of Wat Phra Kaew (Temple of Emerald Buddha) enchants the eyes of the beholders. The temple is so grand, yet the namesake of the place: the Emerald Buddha itself, is quite small. Despite its minute size, it is the most venerated icon in Thailand. The Buddha was dressed in a gilded monastery robe with headress since it was rainy season then. I was told that the Buddha will be dressed in golden shawl in winter, while in summer, he will be dressed with a crown and jewelry.

The reclining Buddha at Wat Pho

View across Chao Phraya from Wat Arun

After bringing us to Wat Pho and Wat Arun (it was his first time visiting these places although he was bornt and bred in Bangkok), MooH said: Since I have been to two temples this year, I don't have to go to temple next year. ~_~* (he has one-temple-a-year policy)

Besides the mandatory sightseeing, we had the essential Thai culinary experience in one of the local markets and in a shopping centre in Sukhumvit area. The food was great: papaya salad, sticky rice, roasted chicken, minced pork for lunch (this meal offered a mix sour, spicy, and sweet taste) and the best Japanese meal ever for dinner (well, Jap food is not really a Thai experience, but it proves the point that food in Thailand is fantastic!).
In addition, we tried all kinds of public transportation in the city: bus, BTS (skytrain), river express, cross-river ferry, tuk-tuk, and taxi.

Bangkok reminds us of Jakarta, only better and cleaner.

A rendezvous, a déjàvu.

The two people that make Bangkok so memorable (=

2008-10-19T02:59:00.002Z

a friend told me once that he always thought that the best moments are when one is 80% happy.
i thought about it for a long time.

happiness is elusive. most of the time we sit in the midst of happiness and sadness, in the gap, where feelings are scarce and unmemorable. and then something comes along. so we live.

i sip my coffee every morning. it gives me a certain happiness. and then i got onto a packed mrt train, that nullifies the coffee effect. i went into office lobby, waiting for the lift. i saw the cute colleague, and my heart gives a little leap. work starts, and feelings are put to rest and mind is set to work.

in the long term, these little feelings in the morning hardly matters. it is unmemorable.

in contrast,
the first snow in life is unforgettable. i remember mine. if anything, i was probably at the moment of 80% happiness.

sitting outside a cafe in a small beach in italy, listening to street musician playing a tune so familiar, a song heard over the radio many years ago, is another happiness realized. at that moment, nothing else in the world matters.

these moments make my world goes round. but those unmemorable moments are the ones that make the world goes round.
my world is small, but the world is one big, big place.
and to be alive, has always been, will always be a grand thing in its own right.

2008-09-27T17:07:00.004Z

bright saturday afternoon

pretty curls flowing in the wind
one, two, up you go
one moment you were on your feet
next you were on your hands
hanging off a little arch
three seconds of pure, simple joy

repeat
repeat
repeat

how could you be so happy, little one?

are you an angel?
are you stranger to the world?

what can i say to you?
should i speak of the world that i know?

no,
instead i should talk of happiness, of the pure blue sky above us,
of candies and chocolates, of careless abandon in the playground,
of a child's bright eyes

.
.
.

Joie de vivre - a joy of everything.

2008-09-18T11:53:00.006Z

I blog less now. There are couples of drafts left in the dashboard, collecting dust; each contains fragments of memories that are not well-versed and thoughts that are foggy: hazy mist that hides something important that I don't know what. It becomes quite frustrating to write, because I have all these thoughts but my words are so cold and flat.

I used to write letters, because I really wanted to keep in touch with old friends back home. I had so many things to say: the new place, the new school, the new friends, the new crush, the feelings, and most of all to say that I really missed them. As time went by, as the new life settled down, it became harder to write. Lives became more disconnected and the invisible, yet tangible distance grew wider until I couldn't see or feel the people on the other side anymore. I still missed them, but all I could write was 'Hello, how have you been? I miss you.' I couldn't keep on doing that, no? It's just too depressing. So I decided to keep these friends in an imaginary beautiful box with all the fancy letter sets, and labelled it keepsakes.

Today, in the classroom training at work, there were 2 Indonesians in my group. They are new to Singapore, coming here since few months ago to work. And it took them some time to find out that I was also an Indonesian. They even thought that I could not understand Indonesian. And one of them kept saying that although I was Indonesian, I was already converted. I was pissed at him for saying that. He was right to judge that I am not very Indonesian anymore, I have been away for too long. But I am not converted. They wouldn't know it, but the right word to use is actually displaced. I am a displaced person. Not quite an Indonesian, but not a Singaporean either.

Just yesterday, I met a friend for a drink by the river, in the middle of the town, in one of the most tumultuous periods in the finance history. The sky was still bright when we met and the place was still quite empty. As the sun went down and the evening set in, more people filled the place. People in suits drowning pints of beer, discussing about the flurry of events unfolding this week. I guess during hard times, drinks go down faster, willing them to give a temporal reprieve to the troubled minds. And there we were, at the threshold of the working life, quite comfortably unscathed by the things happening around us, but realizing that it would be our world in no time. Maybe it's the drinks, maybe it's the company, I'm not quite sure how we ended up talking for about 5 hours straight. I'm not complaining though, since having good chats are really therapeutic. And who knows, I might have found myself a kindred spirit.

And these days I met Lt for lunch quite often, and it makes me quite happy. Much happier than when I go for lunch with my colleagues. Maybe this just goes to show that I am a misfit for the present. I can comfortably be myself around old friends, and I don't quite know where I stand right now. When I go for lunch with colleagues of about the same age as me, often I find them very high-schoolish. When it's lunch with my older colleagues (those that have already worked for several years, already married, already have children), I find myself being so out of phase with them, not being able to offer any advise or give suggestions. I realise things are much better when I talk with the non-Singaporeans.

Ok, at this point in time, my mind drifts away. I have been juggling between completing this post and surfing websites for the past 10 minutes. I better end with a comic strip I found on Dilbert blog and publish this entry. Before it adds on to the draft list.

Thoughts on a packed rush hour morning train

2008-07-28T14:17:00.004+01:00

Hello. I've finally escaped from the Waiting Place, into the land of suits, ties, and high heels. I still wonder how I end up here. Six months ago, this was unthinkable to me. I had plans but apparently, in the end life always has its own plans for me. So what's the moral of the story? Don't worry, don't plan too much, let life lead you to new places.

I wonder if I would really like this job. I wonder if money would eventually be the only driving force in my working life. I wonder if I would ever make friends again. I wonder if I would be more hollow a person. To tell you the truth, I'm really scared.

Yesterday, I met some old friends; from this year onwards, we would have different titles and occupations attached to us, we have finally become a full-fledged adult. I am really thankful that after all these years, I still have these guys as friends. They are one of the two best things that coming to Singapore has given me (the other one being the opportunity to live independently).

I have two little tuition kids. They are so cute, I like them and I think they like me too. I brought them to my place last Saturday because their parents asked me to (they wanted to go out for a few hours and didn't want to leave their kids alone at home). Maybe I actually can be a good aunt to my niece and nephews; I feel bad sometimes that I see them only once a year.

I miss learning languages again. I miss the joy and excitement of going to language classes and being lost in the world of new words and grammars and cultures. I hope I would have enough free times again so that I could do things that I want and be a person I want to be.

I have wanderlust. Once I can, I would take leave from work, pack my backpack, and buy the next ticket out of here.

2008-05-12T13:09:00.002Z

As I was doing some cleaning and packing up today, I found a bar of milk chocolate in one of the supposedly-empty plastic bags that I was going to discard. I couldn't remember buying it, but I surely had since I also found the receipt inside the plastic bag. Anyway, it is a nice surprise. I have been chocolate-deprived for a few weeks and this is just what I need.

Maybe it's a note from the past. Today is officially my last day in univ, so maybe it is a kind of "Congrats, you've done it" note from me few months ago. Ha ha. Sounds mad, but I actually used to write a note for myself when I was a little girl. I had this house-shaped piggy bank (with red roof and creamy facade) in which I kept the notes I wrote when I was 8 or 10 years old for myself 5, 10 years down the road. I remembered writing it, but sadly, I never get around reading when the time was up. Oh, well.

Anyway, I must have bought this when I was in a quite stressful period. Usually I will buy either chocolate or another C, which is less wholesome but I like anyway. Strange that I bought Dars, since I usually bought Cadbury but I am cheap, so I am guessing there was a discount of sorts. So, here comes the question? Why would there be a discount for chocolates? Having worked in the Cocoa Trees some time back, I learn that chocolates are usually on sale when they are nearing their expire dates. So I turned the chocolate bar, and true enough, the expiry date is May 2008. Which is like sometime this month. OH well.

Anyway, it's a good reason to binge on it while I can.

On a side note, I used a lot of anyways in this entry. Coincidentally, I used it a lot too when I talked about univ life. "Anyway, it turned out well in the end," " Anyway, it doesn't matter," "Anyway, it sucks," and so on. (Anyway, can anyone tell me how to punctuate the previous sentence properly?)

So, I just want to say, tomorrow I am no longer a student. What I will be, say next month, I cannot tell. But tomorrow, yes, tomorrow, I am an unemployed.

Or maybe, just someone on a vacation. Ha-ha.

2008-04-29T16:10:00.002Z

As I sat down on a bench overlooking the darkness of the night in my residence studying for the last bioengineering paper in university, my mind wandered off and out of the blues, I thought about how I first fell in love with science. I have walked down this science path for the whole of my education career; primary, secondary, pre-u, and college. If I have chosen a path that I have followed for three quarter of my life, there must be something really important and I love about it.

I am not sure when this longtime affair started, but I think I could safely conclude from my youngest memory of the first physical phenomena that I learnt and understood. It was of the formation of rain. I still remember the joy I felt when suddenly I understood why rain happened, and it made sense. Not the standard thing my religion teacher used to tell me (“Because God made it that way.”) but the whole process from how the water from earth turned into water vapor and moved into the sky, condensed to form clouds, before everything got too crowded and heavy up there and they all fell back to the earth with the blessings of the Sun. Even the things that accompany rain, like thunders, lightning, rainbow; now they all made sense.

I remembered still how fascinated my best friend and I were when we learnt about the working of heart; this incredible pumping machine in our body that works for as long as we live. I am actually very intrigued of my memory retention ability. I still remember most of my human biology lessons from as long as 10 years ago. I love it how when we were young, life seems more intriguing, every little things that we learnt were new and intriguing, our passion lighted up from simplest things.

We all know that these kinds of excitement do not stay for long. And as I learn more of science, delve deeper into intricate phenomena, dissecting the mathematics of it, my mind just baulk most of the time. I complained a lot in university about my decision to go into BIE, and I must admit that I do not enjoy it, I am not very good at it and I think it would not take me into the places that I want to go in life. I am an average student, with very confused career objectives and even more dispensable career choices. I wonder what went wrong throughout these years. Has science, especially engineering, become too difficult for me to excel? Am I just not cut out for it? Or was my emotional instability in some years has snuffed out my passion?

Despite all these chronic questions that I cannot answer, I believe that life goes on and that it is inevitable that at certain points in our lives, we are bound to make not-the-best choices. I am not someone who thinks far into the future. I follow my gut feelings and I believe in what I love. I did not explore career options when I was at that crossroads 4 years ago, but I follow what I believed to be the best choice for me at that time. That choice is the sum of what I am and what I love. Maybe BIE turned out not to be the best in the end but I still can pull through it somehow. And most importantly, I have met some wonderful people that I will always keep in my heart.

Life is still waiting.

when the days were getting longer

2008-04-15T15:50:00.002Z

I remember around this time last year,

the trees have turned green
the little patch of grass in front of my house had grown little white flowers on it
the horses and rabbits beside my house looked cheerful
mornings have arrived earlier at my doorstep and window sill
the sun caressed my face when I cycled to and from the school
dropping by at the icecream parlour in the city center became favourite after-school past time

Suddenly I really long to travel again. The itch.

Maybe tomorrow, I will pack my pillow and a suitcase, buy myself a ticket and fly to a new place. To follow the instinct to search; search for what you may ask... I'm not sure, perhaps a search for a place in this crazy world, a place where I could call a home.

Or simply just to have a delightful plate of pasta and a cup of espresso.

beat the day

2008-03-31T13:19:00.006Z

I must say, I have never been so challenged or swarmed by work in my life.

I can feel the tiredness slowly seeping away from every pores in my body when I came back at night. It's getting quite ridiculous, really.

But then again, challenges are privileges. All these works would not come to me if they know that I would do a shitty job in the end.

So here, from the back of piles of papers to read and write, application letters to send, and homework to do, I sincerely say: Thank you!

2008-02-25T13:10:00.002Z

So it is that time of the semester again. The little pause before the semester accelerates, stress heightens, momentum gathers until it climaxes into the swan song that is examination. The dilemma between wanting to fully enjoy the break and doing the necessary work to prepare oneself of the looming doom. This time, however, semester break poses no dilemma. There is simply no option of bumming around during the break. And strangely enough, this is not something to complain about. I think it is because this is the last semester break. I am going to kiss formal education goodbye by May this year.

There is something poignant about the last of everything. The last dinner with a friend who is leaving for good, the last embrace, the last day wearing a school uniform, the last day of every year, the last bus/mrt to catch for the day, the last episode of Friends. Every goodbye makes one feel more lonely, more alone. Every goodbye distances one from someone but brings him closer to another someone. When I was young, I used to like this children stories in which we have to make decisions at certain points in the story, and each decision brings us to a page and into a plot which would be different if we chose different path. There are two or three possibilities to the ending of the story, but interestingly I might end up with the same ending even if I chose different paths at the particular crossroad. There are many crossroads in the story, and the ending is the result of all the choices made along the way.

Sometimes I think living life is like buying a one-way ticket to a certain landmark. We make choices and don't plan to come back to where we started. If things go well, we proceed; if it doesn't, we have another plan; a detour not a return. The decisions I have to make this year give me so much anxiety, but with that comes the little tingle in the ear that usually signals something exciting coming my way.

i prefer coffee to tea
tea is nice but coffee is what i like
no milk or sugar, please
don't ask why

i like summer all year long
bright sun whenever wherever
snow is pretty
but, oh dear!
sun is what i will miss

a one-line note is better
than a long colourful Super Wall post

a familiar stanger's smile
is sweeter than an acquaintance fleeting 'hi'

after all,
to choose is a privilege
so, my love,

be choosy!

2008-02-13T08:12:00.010Z

photo published by National Geographic, 1985 - "Afghan Girl"

photo taken from a photoblog in Firefox Stumble!, 2008

"War is a malignant disease, an idiocy, a prison, and the pain it causes is beyond telling or meaning; but war was our condition and our history, the place we had to live in."
M. Gelhorn

of noodle-uncle

2008-01-28T13:08:00.001Z

as i walked towards my residence tonight, i saw the yih-noodle-stall uncle riding his bike, probably back to his home. i smiled and he waved at me. this is the first time i saw him not in his noodle-uncle attribute: the white apron and the strainer. it was almost 9pm.

i was really tired as i have been in the lab for the past 12 hours. i didn't do much physical work in there but i feel tired, sleepy, and all i want to do when i go home is to check my email and sleep. i don't even want to watch heroes or grey's anatomy before that. i don't want to go online on msn or talk to anyone. i want to grumble about my life, or the lack of it. but tonight, i got that "flick in the head"...

this man, worked for at least 10 hours every day; standing beside the heat of the boiling water, selling possibly the best noodles in NUS. he always greets his customer with his sincere smile and he always says thank you. he remembers me and what i always get from his stall. sometimes i will overhear him speaking in his native chinese dialect and it reminds me of my chinese class. i always remember him as the noodle-uncle, but today, as i saw him cycling back home, i saw him as a person, and my mind created an image of his life. and i know, i have a lot to learn from him.

i'm reminded that instead of grumbling, i could give myself a pat on the back and be glad that i have finished my grueling very-long-experiment day. instead of frowning, i could smile to familiar strangers as a smile goes a long way.

and i looked up to the night sky, and to my surprise, i saw the sky studded with stars, about 70-80 of them (yes, i actually counted them); a really pleasant surprise for a singapore sky. and i thought about my physics teacher who told the class some years back one of the most amazing fact that i've learnt in life... that when we're looking at the stars, we're actually looking into the past because it's a heavenly long journey, even light takes years to reach us.

good night, world. see you tomorrow.

Note to self: Latte isn't a coffee drink

2008-01-20T10:05:00.001Z

I've known this fact for some time but I'm still fooled anyway.

By the way, this drink isn't bad. However, I'm not a fan of milk, even if it's a heavenly Belgian-chocolate flavoured one.

mandatory new-year post

2008-01-01T15:23:00.002Z

I spent this New Year's Eve watching firework show in Esplanade. It reminded me of exactly 8 years ago, when New Year's Eve was first spent away from home, with new-found friends, on Orchard Road that was packed with people like I've never seen before. I love watching fireworks, it's one of the things that I never grow out of. And it's great to know that many people share this feeling too. The crowd stopped moving and looked up to the sky in wonder once the fireworks started. Each burst seemed to be in sync with the pumping heart, each streak of light mirrored in every eyes that watched. It's a celebration of life, of the present, of people.

Happy New Year, everyone.

***

2007 has been a very good year to me. It has been a great teacher through travel and school, a cozy bonfire around which new friends were made and old friends were reunited, a guardian angel that watched over me and led me to some of the beautiful places in the world.

2007 brought little joys that made me happy; not the exuberant joy from achieving something but a state of mind of being at peace with the world and myself.

And a rough reminder of one's mortality, dear starlight.

***

New Year Resolution:
1. To be a better person
2. Get a job (to be specified soon)
3. Live healthier (exercise more, less junk food)
4. Travel again (maybe to Beijing for Olympics 2008 :p )
5. Read more books and keep up with the news
6. Learn how to cook!

On the Road Once More - Ho Chi Minh City, 10 December 2007

2007-12-17T13:01:00.000Z

It feels really good to travel again. Every moment not doing FYP during the holiday is a treasured moment, but every moment not doing FYP and travelling instead really is priceless. Even though travel is my passion, I must admit that I am not a natural traveller. I don't have the sturdy physique of a seasoned traveller, I don't pick up foreign languages fast enough, I have low tolerance for dirty places, and I am too attached to my contact lenses (I really should learn to give up wearing contact lenses during travel). The love for travel, however, prevails over my aforementioned shortcomings. The lure of meeting new people, seeing new places, and learning more of the world are too seductive. I don't care what kind of troubles or sacrifices I must make to travel; I have only one life to live after all, the least I can do is to do things that make me feel alive.

This time I went to Vietnam, a Southeast Asian country that lies south of China, west of South China Sea, east of Laos, Thailand and Cambodia. It is a Socialist Republic ruled by the Communist Party. I have some Vietnamese friends whom I met during my school years in Singapore, so Vietnamese people don't appear to be too foreign to me. One of the things that I love about living in Singapore is that the real exposure to the world that I get here; I think if I am still in Jakarta now, my experiences of the outside world will mostly be of vicarious nature. I am going to Vietnam on a tour organised by NUS so I don't have to plan for the itinerary at all, which is really godsend because with FYP monopolizing my days, I hardly have time to do anything else these days. I like the idea of travelling with a group of people; this is new and I've got good feelings about it.

Our first stop was Ho Chi Minh City, otherwise known as Saigon. As the plane started to descend over Saigon, I saw a landscape filled with short, colorful buildings. There were many buildings in Saigon with narrow façade and gaudy colors. They appeared to me like a cross between the colorful buildings in vieux Nice and the extremely narrow buildings along the canals in Amsterdam.

There were A LOT of motorcycles in HCMC. As our bus moved in the city, everywhere my head turned, I saw sea of motorcycles. Most of the motorcyclists wore a cap and cover their faces to protect them from the sun, and maybe the smoke. Kartik made a remark of how impressive the "harmony in chaos" of HCMC traffic was; there were hardly any traffic lights, there seemed to be nothing that enforced order especially in the roundabouts, but miraculously, the traffic actually worked. I say, watching the traffic in HCMC should be part of the itinerary.

We went to the Cu Chi tunnels which were used by the Cu Chi guerillas to fight the Americans during the Vietnam war. We were shown a video about the history of the tunnel that I would never forget; I was quite taken aback by how anti-American the video was, with the remarks like "the brave destroyers of Americans", "Americans are too large to pass the tunnel", and so on. In my opinion, it is more of a video that is shown during the history class for local school children than an educational video for mature, mostly international tourists. It is however, admirably honest of them to show the visitors the opinions against American, harsh as they were without any glossing over with euphemisms or any kind of layers of language.

On a lighter note, we visited the famous spots for tourists in Saigon.

HCMC Post Office

In front of Notre Dame Cathedral with 3 of my new friends

Saving the best for last, I shall now devote my energy to describe the two things I most look forward to in Vietnam : the food and coffee! Almost everyday when I came back to my room in NUS, I would pass the kitchenette and find my Vietnamese neighbors cooking their dinner. I didn't know what they were cooking, but whatever it was, the food always smelled so delicious! I can't wait to try Vietnamese delicacies. Moreover, when I was a freshman in NUS, there was a Vietnamese café in Engineering that sold really, really good coffee. The name of the café was Trung Nguyen. Sadly, the café wasn't very successful as the prices of the coffee were significantly higher than the ones in the canteen, and most students are too tight about spending their money on good coffees. Being in Vietnam means that I could get these two things I love abundantly and at low costs! Sweet.

First meal in Vietnam : beef Phở in Pho 24 restaurant. The soup was really tasty and the beef slices were thin and delicious, especially when dipped in Vietnamese chilli sauce. There are also additional serving of vegetables to be eaten with the soup.... Vietnamese love vegetables! The restaurant was named Pho 24 because there are 24 spices added to make the broth for the Phở.

The Vietnamese rojak at Ky Hoa Night market; it contains strips of rice paper mixed with various vegetables, quail egg, dried shrimp, topped with fish sauce (I think). Really nice and cheap snack!
What's better than to close the day with a perfect cup of ice Vietnamese coffee; anticipation heightened as I watched the coffee dripped from the coffee maker and settled on top of the condensed milk. Pouring the milk coffee in a glass of ice and taking the first sip of this divine drink, my tastebuds burst into a moment of euphoria. Parfait.

pointless nostalgic

2007-11-02T11:43:00.000Z

Ain’t thinking ‘bout love today
Lost in the sunlight
Walking down memory lane

Ain’t thinking ‘bout you today
People from the past that I knew
Are slowly slipping away
Seems so long ago
Since we were carefree

Photographs lost in time are all I see
A pointless nostalgic-
That’s me
That’s me

Thoughts running round my head today
Times from the past popping up where they’re from I don’t know
Reminiscing my cares away
Wishing I could go back and change the points that were low
Till I’ve realised what life’s meant to be

Photographs lost in time are all I see
A pointless nostalgic;
That’s me
That’s me

Reminiscing my cares away
Wishing I could go back and change the points that were low
Till I’ve realised what life’s meant to be

Photographs lost in time are all I see
A pointless nostalgic;
That’s me
That’s me

It’s all I’ll ever be
It’s all I’ll ever be
Cause that’s me
It’s all I’ll ever be
Cause that’s me

This is one of the songs that hits right on; so true it hurts. I wonder why it is that I always have one foot stuck in that nostalgic quicksand. Ridding oneself of keepsakes apparently can't do all the work.

Soon it would be 8 years. 8 years. 8 years. When you are 23, 8 years feels like a lifetime. These 8 years seem to me like a interlude, a really prolonged one. I think I have fallen asleep; the painful sleep, one that makes you even more fatigue as you take more of it. I pray the music will play again, the curtain will be up soon.

pointless nostalgic is a song by Jamie Cullum, easily my favourite jazz singer :)

Hello, stranger

2007-10-15T15:02:00.000Z

Entah sudah berapa lama aku menghabiskan waktu untuk bermain Google Earth, tapi bosan sama sekali belum dekat di mata. Jadi teringat dulu teman kos di Belanda pernah menunjukkan padaku bahwa kita bisa melihat tempat tinggal kita dengan jelas. Kemarin seorang kenalan baru yang menarik menunjukkan tempat asal dia di Google Earth. Kemudian untuk mengilustrasikan jauhnya tempat itu dari sini, dia memutarbalikkan bola dunia itu, melewati benua Antartika dan akhirnya sampailah kita di Singapura. "That's the farthest we can go in the world," katanya. Suatu hari, aku akan ke tempat itu. Entah kapan, tapi pasti, suatu hari.

Sejak kecil, aku selalu bilang aku ingin keliling dunia. Dulu rasanya keliling dunia bisa diartikan sebagai jadi turis di kota-kota yang terkenal. Tapi melihat tempat-tempat terkenal hanya bisa memberikan memori sebatas selembar kertas yang akan menguning seiring waktu (atau mungkin jutaan pixels yang bisa hilang ketika komputer rusak). Aku ingin, ingin, ingin keliling dunia dan menjadi bagian dari dirinya. Semoga suatu hari keinginan ini bisa kesampaian.

Kenapa susah sekali menulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia? :s

C'est superb!

2007-10-10T13:36:00.000Z

Thinking in circles

2007-10-09T12:33:00.000Z

I don't understand myself. Life is OK, I'm taking schoolwork slowly but it's all under control. I still meet my friends on regular basis. I called home, sometimes. I get enough sleep everyday. Despite all these, I have this constant nagging voice in my head that tells me It's not OK.

I think I need purpose in life. It's not OK to live just to do what you have to do. I forget when was the last time I wanted something so badly that I would lose sleep just to work towards the goal. Life is so mundane now that I'm just too lazy and confused to think about what I want to do after I graduate next year. I don't have a plan. I don't feel the impulse to plan even when everyone around me has started to do so. I hate mediocre life, I'm living in one now and I am doing nothing to change it.

Maybe I just need to fall in love, some people say that would solve it all. Really? As if it's easier to fall in love than to get a job that you like.

I think a cold shower will do for now.

Learning a language

2007-10-05T05:39:00.000Z

... is a lifetime decision, an act of violence one inflicts upon one's self without logical explanation.

在中文课的时候，老师问我，你为什么要学华语。我回答，因为我要去中国做事。本来，我没想过要去中国，本来，我也不知道为什么我要学中文。

学一个新的语言不容易。有很多时候，我不知道要真么说才好，才能把我想说的事说出口。虽然学华语不容易，我还是要学它。因为几年前，我告诉我自己我一定要学好华语。

Jetzt studiere ich Deutsch an der NUS. Ich habe gestern Abend ein Deutschtest. Ich finde der Test sehr schwer. Warum ist mein Deutsch schlecht? :(

Really, it's back to the basics. Suddenly your language ability is reduced to "Insufficient". Not being able to convey what you are thinking, not able to understand fully what others are saying to you, reading a book is out of question.

And there is this constant inadequate understanding of the language. Like why in Chinese, "last week" is "上个星期" (literally, above week) and "next week" is "下个星期" (literally,below week); why in Deutsch, "fahren" means both "to travel" and "to drive".

Learning a language demands a lot from you. Memorizing words or phrases and understanding grammar are never enough. You have to carry the culture and the history of the language on your back. You have to let yourself into the murky pool of subtleties, uncertainties, and deviations. By learning a language, you beg to assimilate into a private circle of natives; something that perhaps even a lifetime could not accomplish.

To learn a language, you need to learn to be a child again; one with a mind like sponge, unconstrained, and willing to learn something wholly new, and sometimes illogical.

Language is identity; the very, if not the main, essence of root. We all long to be understood. There was an Indo song that goes like:
Biarpun saya pergi jauh
Tidak kan hilang dari kalbu
It is a song about Motherland (in Bahasa: tanah air, which literally translates to waterland). How do you identify your Motherland? Not the place (because developments change the face of a country, especially city at the speed of cash flow), not the people (in this global era, people once again become rather nomadic and as always, people change). The only constant determinant of Motherland is language.

Ah, the beauty and complexity of language. I am glad the Tower of Babel fell.

Life is a cupcake (sometimes, at least)

2007-10-02T12:15:00.001Z

Soft and creamy, sweet and pretty, you tantalize my tastebuds. I need more of those eyes-closed-mmm-i'm-in-heaven moments.

more on Posie Gets Cozy

On Changes

2007-09-28T05:49:00.000Z

I am thinking about transitions. And you sprang to mind. It was 7, almost 8 years ago. You left, leaving me in my fits of melancholy for being left behind. Words have always been my best friends, so I wrote. To you, to myself, to my counselling teacher (I was told to do so). I still remember her, my counselling teacher. It was the first time anyone has mentioned that word to me. You are in transition period, she said.

Since then, I have been through a lot of transitions. Each one felt less painful than the previous one. I guess the thing about growing up is that you learn to hold things lightly in your hand, knowing that one day, you'll have to let go.

We used to sign off our letters with God bless you. When internet came into the picture, it became GBU. Then it became Take care. And now, almost no more e-mails.

It's OK, really. Even when each transition brings us further from the good old days, we'll just have to go on, right? Because these are the days, those were the days.

Mid-autumn Lights, Clarke Quay

2007-09-22T15:43:00.001Z

Iridescent lanterns with little wishes

L; I think God must have kissed your face

Sunguria Red and Sake Sunrise

静夜思

床前明月光 Before my bed, the moon is shining bright,
疑是地上霜 I think that it is frost upon the ground.
举头望明月 I raise my head and look at the bright moon,
低头思故乡 I lower my head and think of home.

中秋节快乐！

Just as Christmas is incomplete without the magical and dreamy snow, Mid-Autumn Festival will not be complete without the lonesome beauty of the full moon and lantern lights.

Monday blues

2007-09-17T10:59:00.000Z

The first day of the week has almost ended. After a day of slaving away in the lab, I'm not sure I can say that I have done anything of significance today, and this in turn, makes me feel extremely robbed of the day. And this pattern of life has been going on for almost a month now. I don't know for how long more I can continue existing like this. I fear one day my sanity will just snap in the lab. Sigh.

I keep on telling myself that next year, life will be different. I'd like to think of entering the next phase in life as changing a mode of transportation. I have been taking bus my whole life, and next year I will be in a faster pace train. One day, hoffentlich, I could have my own car and live life in my preferred pace. Sometimes I feel really tired; I don't know what I am doing anymore.

On a side note, the weather is lovely today, albeit a little on the hot side. Each time I see those big, shady trees in NUS, I'm reminded of how those days, not too long ago but thousands of miles away from here, I used to watch people having lunch in the open, lying on the grass, talking and laughing, and sometime just reading a book.

Wouldn't it be nice...

2007-09-11T12:21:00.000Z

to lie on an enormous couch with a best friend, watching an old romantic comedy DVD, with chips and drinks within reach, no worries or deadlines in sight.

to close your eyes and sway to your favourite tunes.

to have someone call you, unexpectedly, just because you are missed.

to lie under a big tree on a clear, sunny day and knowing that everything is alright in the world.

Wouldn't it be nice if these were not only wishful thinkings.

Perfect Song for a Quiet Sunday Afternoon

2007-09-02T04:56:00.000Z

This song has a sort of transcendent effect on me. On the first tinkling of the piano, it's no longer this little corner of the world for me, but a timeless, vast space where I can just lie down, peaceful and loved as the melody plays on.

Vienna, 22-23 June

2007-07-09T16:20:00.001Z

Anes and MinDan, my two lovely hosts in Vienna :) in front of the Freud Museum

Every corner of Vienna reminds one of the Austro-Hungarian Empire... there are a LOT of statues and grand structures like this in the city

Schloss Schönbrunn

Stephansdom, my favourite gothic church in Europe so far

The roof mosaic of Stephansdom

Karlskirche, pretty baroque church (MD takes very good photos!)

Visit to the music city, Vienna is incomplete without a concert! (met guofan and hui wen - anes' and my secondary school friends - here... i like coincidence!)

Danube at night

"The Kiss" by Gustav Klimt - one of the permanent exhibits at the Upper Belvedere gallery... the golden colours of this work is really captivating

Southern France

2007-07-07T16:50:00.000Z

Nice, 14 June

This cat has a nice life in Nice :)

I find this shot rather interesting

Monaco, 15 June

Monte Carlo Casino: for the famous, rich, and beautiful

Oops, sorry...

I love their smiles

By now, you should have guessed what my favourite colour is, yes?

Monaco and her Vieux Port

Gorges du Verdon, 16 June

Layered rocky cliffs and turquoise stream of water

From Point Sublime, the end point of a 7-hour hike

Marseille, 17 June

Calanques (read: kay-long), where the sky and the sea met in a hazy embrace

Steep cliffs plunge into the sea, and this goes on for miles... simply beautiful

Puylobier, 18 June

Wine tank in a wine cellar... looks rather like a petrol tank, no?

People bring in their own container and fill it with wine of their choice! (the famous wine from this part of France is Rose)

Vineyard

Lavender field

Elegy for Weeping Willow

2007-07-04T17:12:00.000Z

My faithful willow,
How long has it been since our first encounter?

Winter time and you were barren
I wandered, searching
While your friends and you watched
Under the gloomy, cold sky

Spring time and you smiled
I cycled, gazing
Your fresh foliage grew and rustled
Under the caress of the Sun

Summer time is here
And still I find you there
Sitting in your full glory

Parting time is pending, my friend
Should we part in tears?
Should we part in poignant smile?

I never knew how to say goodbye
So let me do it my way

No goodbye for you, my not-special-yet-sweet city. I have come silently, so silently will I leave. May we see each other again one day... perhaps when the autumn leaves fall.

Almost Heaven - 25 June 2007

2007-07-03T19:18:00.000Z

Three tastes of Tuscany in a serving:
Cinque Terre
Pisa
Florence

One new friend
Bright blue sky
Terraced vineyards
Sunflower beds
Villages sheltered from the rest of the world
Turquoise sea

I couldn't have asked for more

Terraced vineyards

Vernazza from the top

Vernazza from the bottom

No siesta this afternoon :)

On the way to the next village

Sunbathing and taking a siesta

Everyone's favourite folly

The unforgettable sunset from Piazza Michelangelo to wrap up a wonderful day

Rainbow in the end

2007-07-03T11:42:00.000Z

I took this on the train back to Eindhoven from an amazing solo trip.

It is indeed wonderful in this corner of the world.

Something pretty, something cute, and All Adorable!

2007-06-10T09:43:00.002Z

These 4 horses live just beside my house

Scottish highland cow, Hamish

Salt-and-pepper doggie

All black!

Duck resting on a lazy afternoon

It's cold outside...

Sleep sleep sleep...

Shy or sleeping?

Definitely sleeping!

Norwegian kids (blonde, bundled in thick clothes, rosy cheeks... cute overload!)

Grumpy, but very very adorable!

Handsome little boy on the boat (he's only 18 months old!)

Cookie, darling?

An Evening in Scheveningen, Den Haag, 29 April

2007-06-09T21:18:00.000Z

The Central Station with the sea of bicycles (customary of any central stations in Holland, day and night!)

With the Holland Casino in the background

Sunset at Scheveningen, one of the best things in life, to me

A picnic of KFC chicken wings on the beach

Great friends (who were apparently, very high after the meal)

Anes was satisfied after getting her fries (I've never seen her so eager with food before, she dashed into this snack store when she saw it, leaving the three of us bewildered :p)

The culprit is... possibly the most loved Dutch snack, frites met mayo! (the mayo sauce is different from the ones we had back in Singapore, I think it has Dutch cheese in it!)

MD and YS gleefully shared a McKroket! (can only be found in Dutch McDonald's ;))

Apparently all the foods weren't enough for the evening... we had some loots from Albert Heijn!

That was a lot of food for one evening... but we have a good excuse! It was a really long day... We went to many, many places in Holland! I'll tell you the story on another day!

Cycling trip to Helmond, 20 April

2007-06-09T21:02:00.001Z

The cows look so peaceful here...

So ZY joined them ;)

Helmond city center

Helmond Castle with the moon on a bright afternoon (I love this photo!)

Dandelion clock... let's blow it!

Cycling into the sunset

Our bikes (small compared to the normal Dutch bikes)

2007-06-08T10:42:00.000Z

The little wonders of flowers blossoming in spring, rainbow at a waterfall, birds singing of morning glories, strong and chilly wind that made me feel so alive, and sunset by the sea.

This sounds funny but these things gave me the warm, fuzzy feeling and made me want to run to, embrace Him, and say, "Thank you, Lord."

"There is an innocence within me that already knows how to trust my Higher Power, to cherish life while holding it lightly, to live fully and simply in the present moment. I will allow that part of myself to come forward and nourish me as I continue on this journey."

Berlin

2007-06-05T16:52:00.001Z

East Side gallery artwork

One of the paintings at the East Side gallery (the famous remaining part of Berlin Wall)

Gate of Sachenhausen Concentration Camp (the words mean Work Makes Free)

The Memorial

Palace in Sans Souci Park, Postdam

Keep on walking

KaDeWe, second largest shopping emporium in Europe after Harrod's

Falafel at DaDa Falafel.... yummy!

Berlin, the capital of punks

Checkpoint Charlie

Oslo

2007-06-05T16:13:00.000Z

In Vigeland Sculpture Park

The Little Hot Head

random

chicken tikka masala

hansa beer and nasi bryani

oslo harbour

norwegian guard

Bergen, Norway

2007-06-05T10:31:00.000Z

Bryggen, the row of trading houses in Bergen on a wet, windy day

The fish market

Bergen from the top

11 pm in Bergen (after all, this is the land of midnight sun eh?)

Cool cars by the harbour

The harbour

Bryggen on a clear day (notice the tilt of the houses)

Hardangerfjord, Norway

2007-06-05T10:20:00.001Z

After all these photos, do you still need an explanation? :)

Loch Ness

2007-06-05T10:05:00.000Z

two loveliest shades of blue

Cruising on Jacobite Queen on Loch Ness

Loch Ness

Urquhart Castle, Loch Ness, and the Highland

Edinburgh

2007-06-05T08:45:00.001Z

The Old Town

Princes St. Garden and Scott Monument on a beautiful day

The Scottish guard blowing bagpipe in the wind on Edinburgh Castle

On the way to Arthur's seat with one of my favourite girls in the world

The lake at Holyrood Park with white swans

These stained glasses at St. Giles Cathedral took my breath away

One of many closes in Edinburgh

Haggis with Whisky Hot Toddy (this drink is so good!) and Pooh Bear

Perfect way to start the day

From all the cities in Europe that I have been to, Edinburgh tops them all. Nature and modern architecture, Old Town and New Town, good food, cosy bars, cafe and restaurants with characters, specialty shops, and lots of history; all of these things make Edinburgh a really charming city. No wonder there were so many odd jobs advertisement on the notice board in the hostel where I was staying, I guess Edinburgh has stolen many hearts and made travellers stay for a while there.

I hope one day I could come back to Edinburgh :)